Sean: Thought about what you said to me the other day, about my painting. Stayed up half the night thinking about it. Something occurred to me… fell into a deep peaceful sleep, and haven’t thought about you since. Do you know what occurred to me?
Will: No.
Sean: You’re just a kid, you don’t have the faintest idea what you’re talkin’ about.
Will: Why thank you.
Sean: It’s all right. You’ve never been out of Boston.
Will: Nope.
Sean: So if I asked you about art, you’d probably give me the skinny on every art book ever written. Michelangelo, you know a lot about him. Life’s work, political aspirations, him and the pope, sexual orientations, the whole works, right? But I’ll bet you can’t tell me what it smells like in the Sistine Chapel. You’ve never actually stood there and looked up at that beautiful ceiling; seen that. If I ask you about women, you’d probably give me a syllabus about your personal favorites. You may have even been laid a few times. But you can’t tell me what it feels like to wake up next to a woman and feel truly happy. You’re a tough kid. And I’d ask you about war, you’d probably throw Shakespeare at me, right, “once more unto the breach dear friends.” But you’ve never been near one. You’ve never held your best friend’s head in your lap, watch him gasp his last breath looking to you for help. I’d ask you about love, you’d probably quote me a sonnet. But you’ve never looked at a woman and been totally vulnerable. Known someone that could level you with her eyes, feeling like God put an angel on earth just for you. Who could rescue you from the depths of hell. And you wouldn’t know what it’s like to be her angel, to have that love for her, be there forever, through anything, through cancer. And you wouldn’t know about sleeping sitting up in the hospital room for two months, holding her hand, because the doctors could see in your eyes, that the terms “visiting hours” don’t apply to you. You don’t know about real loss, ’cause it only occurs when you’ve loved something more than you love yourself. And I doubt you’ve ever dared to love anybody that much. And look at you… I don’t see an intelligent, confident man… I see a cocky, scared shitless kid. But you’re a genius Will. No one denies that. No one could possibly understand the depths of you. But you presume to know everything about me because you saw a painting of mine, and you ripped my fucking life apart. You’re an orphan right?
[Will nods]
Sean: You think I know the first thing about how hard your life has been, how you feel, who you are, because I read Oliver Twist? Does that encapsulate you? Personally… I don’t give a shit about all that, because you know what, I can’t learn anything from you, I can’t read in some fuckin’ book. Unless you want to talk about you, who you are. Then I’m fascinated. I’m in. But you don’t want to do that do you sport? You’re terrified of what you might say. Your move, chief.
記得我還在讀書的時候我常常跟上帝禱告說:「上帝啊!求你讓我所讀的專業可以被你使用,用來帶領人信主,造就基督徒,榮耀你的名。」博士畢業之後,上帝讓我順利的拿到 IU 的工作,結婚,生了小孩,同時我也在這所教會中有了很多的服事。曾幾何時,當我有了這一切之後,我的眼光慢慢的從神的身上移開了。我開始覺得現在的工作不如教授來的有名。於是我把眼光轉到我的事業上,我想要作一個有名的教授,我想要發表很多的論文,我想要改變美國的高等教育。這一切所犧牲的是我服事神的心志。我開始覺得服事很辛苦,我不想繼續待在這個小鎮作一個默默無名的研究員。
當然,從仰晴到 Bloomington Hospitality House 上班的第一天我們就知道這一天遲早會來,而且不會只有一次。在我這個局外人的眼中看來老人安養中心的老人過世似乎是一件平常不過的事情。在老人安養中心上班就像在醫院工作一樣,總是免不了看到有人離世。況且今天過世的老人已經88歲,又在床上病了兩個禮拜,仰晴自己也覺得他應該快要不行了。但是當生命真的結束的時候,情感上的衝擊還是淹蓋過理智上的認知。
我印象中有三部以死亡為主題的電影曾經給我造成很大的震撼。第一部是Sean Penn跟Susan Sarandon合演的Dead Man Walking,第二部是Nicolas Cage主演的Leaving Las Vegas,第三部則是Nicole Kidman、Julianne Moore、與Meryl Streep共同主演的The Hours。Dead Man Walking探討的是死刑的議題;Leaving Las Vegas反映了一個完全負面的存在主義人生觀-虛空,人生就是一場虛空;The Hours則呈現了被禁錮的靈魂深處最無奈的掙扎。這三部都是頗有爭議,但是都獲得大獎的電影。Susan Sarandon因為主演Dead Man Walking而得到奧斯卡最佳女主角;Nicolas Cage因Leaving Las Vegas而得到奧斯卡最佳男主角;Nicole Kidman則因The Hours而獲得奧斯卡最佳女主角。
昨天,我又去看了一部今年奧斯卡的最佳外語片: The Sea Inside。這也是一部探討死亡的電影,不過這次的主題是「安樂死」。 Continue reading →