剛才去翻了一下去年二月我寫的文章，發現去年二月三日我的網站伺服器發生當機十小時的事件（當時我用的不是現在這家網站服務公司）。今年二月八日我的網站又當了一次。兩年，兩家不同的網站服務公司，結果都在二月當機，看來二月真是適合當機的月份。去年二月九日我寫到「最近有點心力交瘁的感覺。每天下班回家吃完晚餐休息一下就到圖書館去拼論文。拼到我的筆記型電腦沒電了才回家。回到家通常都是半夜了。」今年二月，我的論文已經進行到最後兩章，我也不再像去年那樣每天到圖書館報到，但是我還是一樣的覺得心力交瘁。昨天一個很久不見的朋友看到我，他說我最近好像變瘦了，而且看起來很累。有沒有變瘦我是不知道，但是我最近的確覺得很累。不是身體上的累，而是大大小小的事情讓我覺得心理很累。準備論文的問卷、找工作、上班、教主日學、準備非洲短宣的大小事，論文最後兩章的進度…
今天是西洋情人節。印象中我是從來不過情人節的。去年情人節我寫了一篇文章說情人節對男生來說只是花錢的節日罷了！不知道為什麼，今年的情人節我卻覺得很感傷。我覺得年紀越大，對於感情的事情顧忌也越多。大學時候的我可以去追一個剛認識的女生而不考慮我跟她是不是真的適合在一起。反正喜歡就好，其他的事情以後再說。現在的我，遇到心裡喜歡的女生，腦子裡想的卻是我們真的適合嗎？我們的個性相配嗎？她是不是跟我一樣願意一生事奉主呢？如果我真的去追她，然後在一起，我會不會後悔？她真的願意陪我一生嗎？我會不會有一天突然發現不喜歡她了呢？在我身上情感跟理智交戰的結果，情感是很少能得勝的。最後的結果通常都是我暗暗的把感情藏在心裡或是記錄在我個人的秘密日記中，一次又一次。我是不是想太多了呢？也許吧！但是在經歷過兩段痛苦的感情之後，我實在沒有那個勇氣跟力氣再去談一場遊戲式的戀愛。於是我等待、等待、繼續等待…
3 thoughts on “情人節”
Scott, after reading along, the rejection became somewhat agreement. 繼續倚靠放膽走~ : )
It is interesting that another friend of mine recently shared a similar experience although it was not about relationship or dating, but about “COMMITMENT”. Commitment becomes a difficult thing when we are not clear about the reward or value after we put our effort and investment into it. However, I have learned that there is no way for us to know or predict what would happen, including career/school choice and who to date and to marry. Some people are good at “not worrying” about earnings or school, and others are relational concerns. In fact, we all worry about something more or less in different aspects of “life”. When I came across “unknown” situations, such as job and self-confidence (or self-esteem), I would be panicked and look for “relief” or “comfort” to escape from my pain. This to me is my crisis.
During my crisis, I would try to grasp anything that could make me feel good and safe. In other words, I will be all right as long as I am “in control”. People try to control their crisis in various ways: rationalization (i.e., to find reasons to make sense), avoidance/escape, addiction (drug, alcohol, computer…), work, and isolation, etc. Yet, it may be working for temporal relief (for a very short period of time), but not to solve the root issue. We all heard, “The biggest enemy is oneself.” I heard that many times and I believe the statement is true, or at least, somewhat true. Looking at myself, I have learned a little bit of my “brilliant” way to cope with my crisis as describing above, but I have never had the courage to look at my “FEAR”. The FEAR could be: self-doubt, self-worth, rejection, risk of other’s welfare, and mistake…; therefore, when I was “in control”, I don’t have to look at my fear. But, it’s temporal, and the crisis or fear would come back.
“Fear of commitment” is involved with our faith onto the “unknown”. It means that we may have to leave our comfort zone, to take risks, to put effort and investment, to make mistakes and to gain nothing or even to lose something. The worse part of this is we don’t know if it would work out. This could translate into our relationship issues, career/academic concerns, and belief/faith crisis. When I start worrying, I think of the story of Abram (later named Abraham, Genesis 12 in Bible). What would happen to me if I were him? I would probably ask God about: where, when, what, who, and how…, or I would not go (even though God has promised many many things). It is too scary to do anything we have no idea about the outcome or the end. But, “Abram went as the Lord had said to him” (without questions).
I am guilty, too on the issue I presented. Because of my little or no faith, I would not commit myself to the unknown. I am a “control freak” when I try to numb my feelings (i.e., pain, fear). So, how do I cope with it? Looking back in my life, I was grateful that I did not have to go through the struggle of courtship because I trust in God that He would help me. Actually, God has given me the best, and I assume that I am truly blessed. People often asked me, “What’s your secret?” “Pure and innocent faith in God that He would give me the best…,” I replied. When I could say that to myself or others, I experienced less anxiety or more confidence although I did not know what was going to happen. It is always hard when we do things for the first time because of unknown, such as jumping into swimming pool, learning about biking, or asking someone for a date. We may think “TOO MUCH”, which creates “FEAR.” When I put my faith in God, I always feel better! What about you?
年紀越大，就會想越多
這是很正常的，應該也算是人有成長的好現象
不過有些時候，耶穌的話仍然如雷貫耳：你們要回轉像小孩
也許你只是太累了…心情才會很容易受影響
保重身體啊！